Welcome to Castle Pines.*
The lovely Colorado community. The parkway. The elementary school. A Safeway. Several public golf courses. And exactly one private club that behaves as though it personally invented pine trees. It did not. Castle Pines is a place — a zip code, not a country.
* Yes, this Castle Pines. There is more than one. That's the entire joke.
Castle Pines is a place. Anybody can use it.
Castle Pines is an incorporated city in Douglas County, Colorado — families, trails, a grocery store, and more golf than sense. The name belongs to all of them, the way 'Beverly Hills' belongs to more than one barbershop. No single club owns the words 'Castle Pines' any more than it owns 'pine,' 'castle,' or 'golf.'
The City of Castle Pines
An incorporated municipality. Has a mayor.
The Country Club at Castle Pines
A different private club. Also named Castle Pines.
The Ridge at Castle Pines North
A public course. Also named Castle Pines.
Castle Pines Parkway
A road. Anyone may drive on it.
Castle Pines Elementary
Children attend. Tuition: free.
Castle Pines National Golf Club
Ours. Just made it up. Totally allowed.
Castle Pines Community Golf
Also ours. The people's tee box.
Hooker Links at Castle Pines
The eighteenth thing named Castle Pines. You're here.
So we made our own Castle Pines club. It's called whatever we want — because it's a town, not a trademark.
Tiers of belonging you can't afford.
A loving parody of the one club that polices the name. Dues payable in cash, deference, and things you'll regret. The city of Castle Pines, meanwhile, costs nothing to love.
The Provisional
$185,000
Initiation
- A locker you may look at
- Permission to be ignored in the grill room
- One (1) nod from a real member, annually
The Equity
$1,000,000
+ your wife's respect
- Voting rights you will never use
- A bag tag that says you matter
- The right to complain about the new members
The People's Tee
$0
It's a public city, genius
- Drive down Castle Pines Parkway like everyone else
- Call yourself 'a Castle Pines guy' — legally fine
- Buy the hat instead
The Rules of Castle Pines National.
Go on. We insist.
Submit your application to the committee at Castle Pines National. They've been expecting your disappointment.
The Membership
Dues are payable annually in cash, deference, and your wife's respect. Initiation: one year's salary and a personality transplant. Applications are reviewed by men who will never like you.
Or — and this is the smart play — buy the hat the members are too scared to wear.
Two robins instead of two hummingbirds. Old money manners, new money mouth, and a gate that opens for anyone with a sense of humor and a Colorado zip code.
A work of satire and parody. Castle Pines is a real incorporated city in Douglas County, Colorado, and the name "Castle Pines" is used by a municipal government, multiple golf courses, schools, roads, and businesses. Hooker Links is commentary on elite-club culture in general and is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by any specific club — including Castle Pines Golf Club, The Country Club at Castle Pines, The Ridge at Castle Pines, or the City of Castle Pines. No real club's logo, name lockup, or marks are used. The robins are fictional, extremely well-dressed, and pay property taxes nowhere.